A Confession Stalled
by CeliaEquus
Summary: Once upon a time, Bucky tried to confess his love to Steve. It didn't go well. Stucky fill for the kink meme. Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers, or any other Marvel thingummies, nor am I making money from this.


"A Confession Stalled"

_Then_

"Steve? Can I talk to you for a second?"

Steve looked up from his drawing pad in the tent, and smiled at his best friend, unaware of the bombshell about to be dropped. "Sure, Bucky. What's the problem?" He swung his legs around so that he was sitting on the edge of the bunk, and watched Bucky pace.

"I…"

"Spill. What's wrong? It must be bad."

"No, no, it's not bad," Bucky said, shaking his head furiously. "It's not, Steve. But… it also sort of is. It's subjective, I guess?"

"Not exactly making me feel any less worried here, Buck."

Bucky halted, and turned to face Steve squarely. He spread his hands and opened his mouth. Then closed it. A couple of times.

"It's… it's hard," he said. "I can't keep hiding it. I've tried for years, Steve, for _years_." He took a deep breath. "It's not the girls I want." Steve's eyes widened, and he stood up, looking as if he already knew what Bucky was about to say.

"Bucky—"

"I know this is against the law, but you wouldn't have your best friend thrown in jail, would you?" Bucky said, and he laughed nervously. "I have to say it, because this is war, and if I died tomorrow and hadn't taken the chance then I'd never know if you lo—"

Steve clapped a hand over Bucky's mouth, stopping his words. He was breathing hard, eyes as large as tractor wheels and a definite look of panic on his face. That was when he knew the heart-shattering truth.

"B-Bucky," he said. "You can't… just… no, Buck. I…" He shook his head. "How…?"

Of course it could've only ended this way. Bucky should've known from the start that he wasn't enough, never enough. Steve had never shown interest in any of the dames Bucky introduced him to, so he thought there'd been a chance that… that maybe Steve preferred male company. But even if he did, why would he look at his best friend, the guy he considered a brother? And now there was that Peggy Carter, the kind of woman Steve _should_ marry, and have perfect babies with after the war. Bucky had seen the way they looked at each other. He was an ass for thinking that Steve would love him back.

Still, he leaned into the touch, nudging forward until the other side of the hand met Steve's lips. Bucky screwed his eyes shut, so he could avoid seeing the revulsion on his friend's face in reaction to the pseudo-kiss. `Cause that's what it was. The closest Bucky would ever get to kissing Steve Rogers. Through his hand was better than nothing. But it hurt; _Christ_, how it hurt. Like a thousand knives to the heart, rending it into a messy pile of broken hopes.

Steve's sharp inhale broke the moment. Unable to take the pain, Bucky backed off, averting his eyes.

"Bucky… you never said… but all those girls? Why would you tell me…?"

"I'm sorry, Steve," he whispered, his voice breaking. "Forget this ever happened."

"Bucky, you're… you're crying."

He viciously swiped off the one, stupid tear that'd made its way down his right cheek. He inhaled unsteadily, and rejected Steve's silent offer of a handkerchief.

"I'll be fine," he said. "But please… never mention this again."

"…Okay. I'm so—"

"God, _don't_. Don't apologise." He turned his back on Steve. "That just makes it…"

"Harder?" Steve offered tentatively, guiltily.

"Worse," Bucky said. "It makes it worse. I'll… I'll see you tomorrow, S-Steve."

He left the tent, grateful that he'd chosen late evening to do this. No one would see his face if he stuck to the shadows. His reasoning had been that, if it went well, he could've spent the night with Steve and sneaked back to his own tent in the morning. He should've seen how this would go from the beginning.

Ever since they were kids, he'd loved Steve Rogers. It was a different love back then; but years of sticking up for the scrawny boy had caused his affections to change course into something deeper and darker, and much less legal. He felt just as protective of big Steve as he did the sickly stick insect from long ago. And he knew that, no matter what, Steve would always have his back… and his heart.

If only he had Steve's in return.

* * *

><p><em>Now<em>

Steve remembered a time, long ago, that he would always regret. A confession stalled, a fateful train ride which killed his best friend – or so he thought – and a last conversation which should've been held with Bucky, not Peggy. He loved Peggy; he did, but she died not long after SHIELD fell. He grieved, because she'd been a friend, and there was once the promise of it becoming more. Again, he had thought so. But could he have married her, knowing that it would break Bucky's heart?

Then again, Steve had done that just fine on his own, without dragging Peggy into it. And now he feared that the situation would be reversed.

He had no idea how much Bucky remembered; the man barely talked to him outside of testing memories. Occasionally Steve had to correct one, although as time passed it seemed that he remembered perfectly well, and was getting a memory wrong just to tease Steve into correcting him. "No, Bucky, we _didn't_ fight dinosaurs… oh. Funny. Really." And it was funny, as long as Steve held his laughter until he knew whether it was a joke or not.

But Bucky didn't look at Steve the way he used to, and that bothered him on more than one level. Did it mean that his feelings had changed? This wasn't the old Bucky, after all. No matter how many things he recalled, he'd never been the same. Was it the fall from the train, and the brainwashing? Or had he started to change after he was first taken by HYDRA? Or… did the real change start when Steve rejected him?

"Bucky?" he said. Bucky looked up from the sofa. Steve would've preferred to stay at his apartment, but Bucky said that he found it constricting and not secure. So Steve had sucked it up, and they'd moved into Stark Tower. Some days they didn't have to leave the couple of floors they shared. This was one of those days, though it would probably change very soon.

"Yes?" Bucky asked, looking up from his book.

Steve had been pretty sure that Bucky recalled their conversation the day they were trailing a suspect group of HYDRA agents on Director Coulson's orders. Bucky had been about to speak when Steve clapped a hand over his mouth, shushing him. Bucky stared at him with his big, blue eyes, and Steve had removed his hand as soon as he realised what the situation reminded him of. Afterwards, Bucky didn't behave any differently; he still generally kept to himself, even in a room with only Steve in it.

Were things about to go horribly south? Probably, but it had to be done.

"I, uh, need to talk to you," Steve said.

Bucky put his bookmark between the pages. "About what, Steve? Did I do something wrong? Is there…" He frowned. "Something I've forgotten?"

"No," he said quickly. "Well, I don't think you've forgotten anything. You don't tell me everything you do – and that's good, I'm not saying anything against it – but… no, nothing's wrong. Except there probably is, but it's only fair that I…"

He cocked his head. "You said you wanted to talk."

"I do," Steve said. "I'm just… not as brave as you."

Bucky snorted. "I'd say you were braver than me, but sometimes I wonder whether you're just being pig-headed and foolish. Not that anyone could ever call you a coward."

"Maybe they should. A big coward."

"I wouldn't."

"You _should_," he said miserably. "Bucky, it's my fault you fell—"

"As much as it was my fault that I killed all those people," Bucky said, narrowing his eyes. "We've talked about this." He placed his book aside and sat around properly, perching on the edge of the sofa. Steve wondered if this is what it felt like when Bucky confessed… tried to confess. "I don't blame you."

"Do you blame me for what happened the night before?"

"For what happened?" Bucky asked. His expression hardened. "I can't remember."

"I know you at least remember some of it," Steve said. "Don't lie to me."

"You promised you'd never mention it. You _promised_, Steve! I never thought you'd break that." He leapt to his feet and stormed towards Steve. "You've gone all this time without saying a word about it. I even kept away from you when I could, hoping that you'd forgotten."

"Is that why you've been avoiding me?"

"_Yes_," he hissed. "It's impossible to be around you and not love… and not… _want_ to be _everything_ to you."

"But you are, Bucky."

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I'm not. Not the way you are for me."

"Bucky…" Out of words, Steve leaned towards him, tilting his head.

Like a snake, Bucky struck. His metal hand came up and covered Steve's mouth before either of them could blink. Even Bucky seemed surprised by the action, but he didn't falter, leaving his hand where it was and swallowing hard.

Steve didn't falter, either. He pressed forward until he mirrored what happened long ago, kissing Bucky through his hand. He closed his eyes, now knowing exactly how Bucky had felt, and hating how he knew he would rather die than face rejection from his best friend and love of his life, while also knowing that going out and getting himself killed wasn't the way to take this.

Then… then Bucky lowered his hand. Steve almost listed forward, but held himself in check. Bucky's other hand came up, and stroked away the tear Steve hadn't noticed trickling down his face. And the most amazing thing happened.

Bucky's metal hand pulled Steve forward by the neck, and he kissed him.

Steve took it. He took the gentle pressure of their lips meeting, and then some. If Bucky was really doing this out of pity, he at least wanted to make the most of it. He only wished he'd extended his friend the same courtesy decades ago. Then maybe he would've seen what was there all along?

When Bucky's hands on his shoulders pushed Steve back, he retreated another couple of stumbling steps.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Is this because Carter died, and you think there's no one else?" Bucky asked sharply.

"No," Steve said. "I wouldn't… I wouldn't do that to you."

"Really?"

"Of course not, Bucky! Yes, I might not have done this if Peggy was still alive, but only because when she died… how I felt was nothing to how I felt when I thought you'd died."

"Well, I've known you a longer time," Bucky said, shifting uncomfortably. "Like family to you."

"But I thought I was gonna marry Peggy. Why didn't I feel more strongly about her death?"

"Years without her," Bucky said. "She'd married—"

"When I crashed the Valkyrie, I thought I'd never see her again. I still wasn't as cut up about that as when you fell from the train, to your death, I thought. Some bitter regret, but _nothing_ to the torture of thinking I'd never see you again… and that I'd hurt you."

"Don't mistake long-time friendship for something more, Steven," Bucky said. His tone was harsh, and Steve flinched away.

"Did you mistake friendship for love?" he asked softly.

"…No—"

"Then don't think I've done the same," Steve said, meeting his eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't let you say the words back then, Bucky, but I didn't know how to feel. What I feel for you… it's no longer illegal. I'm being brave for you. Letting you fill my heart like I once filled yours. I love you." He could feel tears welling again, and blinked them back fiercely. "I'm in love with you. It shouldn't have taken me this long to work it out, and I know… ultimately, that it doesn't matter, because it's too late. I haven't said all this because I think I have a chance with you. I've said it because you tried to long ago, and one of us should resolve it, or it'll always stand between us. You've been avoiding me because of it."

"S-Steve—"

"I'm sorry, Bucky. So sorry. That you never got the chance to say what you wanted, that I got you nearly killed, that you ended up being HYDRA's puppet, that you don't love me any—"

Bucky kissed him again. Steve had trouble believing it, didn't want to believe that Bucky was being so kind twice. He wanted to run from this. He wanted to sink into it. He wanted so many things he couldn't have, just to pretend that it could work out this time around.

He wanted it to be _real_.

"Don't make me think you're lying, Rogers," Bucky murmured against his lips. "That you're doing this for my sake. Because you _know_ that I couldn't leave it at one kiss, or one night. If we do this, it's forever, Steve."

"Why? Why would you give me this? I don't deserve it."

"You ass," Bucky said affectionately. "Because I still love you."

Steve's knees began to tremble. This wasn't real. "Bucky…"

"No, you listen to me now, Steve Rogers. What I wanted to say all those years ago. I'll love you `til I die. If there's an afterlife, I'll probably still love you then. If reincarnation's real, I'll just find you and love you all over again. I thought I might have a chance, but deep down my gut told me I was just dreaming. Can't you see why I'd be sceptical? For all I know you're trying to make me feel better. As soon as I seem to be fully recovered from being a pawn all these years, you could let me down gently, maybe push me towards someone else while you find an acceptable partner for America's treasure." Steve opened his mouth, but Bucky glared at him. "If you're allowed to feel insecure, then so am I. Yeah, Steve, you broke my heart. You're the reason I'm having trouble believing that you're telling me the truth. And I don't know how to take things on faith anymore, because of HYDRA."

Steve sank onto the edge of the armchair. It seemed that even if Bucky still felt the same way – more than he'd hoped for – there still wasn't going to be a second chance. Steve and HYDRA managed to ruin Bucky's life to the point where he couldn't even trust in love. God, that made him feel sick. If he could give his life to fix this, he would.

Some of this heartbreak must've shown in his face, because Bucky's expression softened, and he knelt before Steve.

"I. Want. You," he said. "So much. Don't think any differently, Steve. I love you."

"But it's never gonna be enough, is it?"

"That's what I thought. I thought I wasn't enough for you."

"God, Bucky, you've always been more than I deserve."

"I loved that skinny kid who always picked fights with guys three times his size just because they were picking on someone else. I can't see myself ever stopping, just as you'll never stop defending the weak."

Steve hung his head. "I keep bugging Stark to make a time machine."

"Just help me fix the past now," Bucky said. "That's all we can do. If anything can do it, love can."

Was this really happening? Steve raised his eyes, and Bucky tilted his chin up for their third kiss.

It would not be their last.

* * *

><p><strong>Fill for a prompt on page 60, round 25 of the Avengers kink meme. Because I'm a sucker for angst, and since there was an option for a happy ending… well, I'm also a sucker for fluff, as many of you may know. The OP was happy with the first part ('Then'), from Bucky's POV, but I knew my readers would probably want a happy ending complete with get together. Anticipating this need, I wrote the 'Now' part.<strong>

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